{Unedited} Let a Body Bleed

9019e0e84f69bff347087b8262a571faI felt my body weep.

A long twelve hours, 689 miles that had been repeated for the seventh time in six weeks.  Sitting at the end of the bed I share with my husband, in the tiny room of our new home.

A temporary home.  Not intended for comfort but the practicality of circumstance.  Exhausted.

Exhausted and angry and forgetting.

I felt the world tilt.

I let him tend me.  Behave appropriately grateful.  Rubbing my tender muscles and speaking the words he knew would heal.

I let him hold ground.

Waiting patiently for me to rest and awake.

Bearing the brunt of my quiet frustration.

I gave way to an immaturity that I thought had burned clean some time ago.  Annoyed with any burden still waiting for my effort.  Self talk seeping into my joy.  The love being seen..  Being wanted.  Being home.

I let him feel guilt for my fragile condition.  Circumstances that he didn’t control.  Circumstances I have chosen.

I held no ground.

Laying down gratitude for the greed of resentment.

And that is its own pain, the forgetting.

In 2015 I will have traveled ten thousand pressured miles to be home.  To bring my family home.  To make a space home.

I will have worked strained hours to tend opportunity.  Carrying the weight of a family nearly grown, so that they can grow together.  I will have stood still, coiling silently waiting for the mark.  I will have pulled in the traces, uncomfortable with the pace.  Worn by direction.

In 2015 I will have spent my strength and reserve and abundance moving between future and now.

I will have felt the loss and weighed the balance of a body as it bleeds.

I will have fallen.

I will get up.

Knowing, I will take back the ground and remember with gratitude the road that brought us here.

When my children were young, far from grown, I was given more.

Roots in tilled soil.

Standing at the edge of the life I share with my husband, sustained by youth and polarized by fear, I begged for a world made level.

I let him tend me.  Behave appropriately grateful for the gift my body had given.

Children.

Bloodline and bond.

I let him break ground.  Coiling tightly waiting for the mark.  Diligent in his promise of time.  Stretching to offer the four walls of a home.  Missing moments, and letting his body bleed.  He traveled.

72.4 miles in dark mornings.  869 miles in the six days before rest.

45, 177 miles to earn a wage.  180, 710.4 to make a living.

3,577 hrs and 6 minutes, assuming no delay.

Time.

Given for my peace and rest.  To carry the weight of a family beginning to grow, so that they could grow together.  For the comfort of love.

I suppose there is balance in what I’ve done.  What he gave.  The we.

I suppose there is a lesson in the knowing.

We’ve felt our body weep.

Missing moments, and letting a body bleed.  Given for peace and rest.

So that they could grow together.  For the comfort of love.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s